May 8th, 2018 at 3:30 am. That was the moment. The moment I knew that I could change my life. I had wanted to change my life before this moment BUT I didn’t yet have the courage to do it. I laid in bed next to my 3-month-old daughter listening to her sweet baby sounds and could feel terror pressing in on me from all sides. The time was rapidly approaching when I would have to leave her to go back to work. The baby bliss blinders that I had been enjoying the past three months was rapidly diminishing while anxiety pressed in on me.
The next emotion that filled me is one that I am not proud of. It was….jealousy. Hot, raging jealousy. I was jealous of the women that get to be home with their babies. The stay at home moms and the moms with the flexible schedules, but most of all the moms that seemed to blend career and motherhood so seamlessly. I didn’t want to only stay at home with my daughter I also wanted a career. I want it all. But I realized that I wanted a career that was spent working from home so that I could be at my daughter. I didn’t feel that it was far that so many other women were able to do this. So why can’t I?
Wait, why can’t I? The realization slowly crept over me, I was being jealous of these strong, smart women who had been smart enough and courageous enough to create the life they wanted for themselves. I’m sure none of these women just magically woke up one day with a successful business that allowed them to be home. I would assume lots of work went into it. (Unless of course they have a fairy godmother. In which case I want to know where mine is?!) Fairy Godmothers and magic aside instead of saying, “Why can’t I?” I should be saying, “I can do it too!” I have a brain, I have some skills, but most of all I have the determination. I can create the life I want and I can start doing that today.
